Who, If I Cried Out REWRITE
by Scriptor Bellum
Summary: "Those walls of yours are coming down, aren't they?" When he moves to brush hair away from her face, surprisingly she doesn't stop him. Instead, the ghost of a smile crosses her face. "Don't sound so smug, fly-boy." And when he sets his hand over hers, she doesn't pull away. She curls her fingers around his. "Yours are coming down, too." Warren/OC, REWRITE, canon divergent!


**So, uhm... another rewrite! Crazy how things work out, huh?  
**

**X-Men Last Stand was on TV the other day, and so like a fool, the absolute buffoon I am, I watched it because I love me some Warren. I thought I'd only watch long enough for his biggest scene with refusing the cure, but, well... nope, I ended up watching the entire movie for like 5 minutes of screen time for this one single character because that's apparently how I roll XD**

**ANYWAY. I doubt if any of my original fans are still around, because I wrote the original while I was, like, still in high school... and looking back on it, aghhhh. It makes me cringe, honestly. I loved my concept and I love Cadence, but the concept was executed in a way that, mmf, doesn't do the characters or their story justice.**

**(Also, my username used to be A'isha Ishtar, so I'm different than you might remember!)**

**SO, I'm giving this another go! I decided on a whim to rewrite this, and it's probably going to be slow going because my moods fluctuate fast nowadays and real life bullshit has, like, permanently affected my motivation to do things, but at the same time - feedback on this would help!**

**I decided to start this out in a different way, and some of the stuff in the original will change; I'm hoping I can finally do these characters and story justice. Already I'm much happier with how it's going, so fingers crossed that means y'all will be too!**

**Alrighty, well, here goes nothing. I hope you guys enjoy this! If you do, a review would be very much appreciated! *mwah***

* * *

**WHO, IF I CRIED OUT**  
**[REWRITE]**

* * *

_Who, if I cried out,  
would hear me among the angels' hierarchies?  
and even if one of them pressed me against his heart:  
I would be consumed in that overwhelming existence.  
for beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror,  
which we still are just able to endure,  
and we are so awed  
because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.  
every angel is terrifying._

―Rainer Maria Rilke, Duino Elegies

* * *

"Do I really have to do this, Jean?"

The redhead gives her student an encouraging smile. "Yes, Cadence, you really have to do this. Or at the very least, because I know you're an adult and I can't force you to do anything," she amends, "I would really _like_ you to do this. It'll be good for you to come out of your room and talk to someone."

Cadence scoffs, blowing her bangs upward. She'll admit she hasn't been very sociable since she arrived. It's pretty clear that Jean is hoping to snap her out of this; she probably thinks the moody attitude has gone on long enough now that Cadence has been here for five years. "I talk to you. You're not someone?"

A laugh leaves Jean, and she shakes her head. "Yes, I'm someone. But you need to talk to more people than just me and the Professor."

"_Why?_" Her green eyes harden almost into ice again. "I don't like people."

Jean's laugh fades into a small sigh as she reaches to give the younger woman a one-armed hug. "You like me. You like the Professor. If you give more people a chance, you might find that you like them, too. Wouldn't it be nice to have a few more friends? Everyone's wonderful here."

Of course, that look on Cadence's face likely isn't going anywhere. She feels uneasy in this situation, unsure, and not only is she anxious, she's mad. She doesn't like feeling as if she's not in control of herself. It's the same problem she has when her emotions spill over into her powers, something she still doesn't have a handle on. "But none of them like me. Just you and the Professor. I don't think you guys even really like me."

This time, an eyebrow raises, and the look Jean fixes her with is absolutely withering. "You've been here for five years, and you still don't think any of us like you? We love you." Her tone loses its sharp edge, using her powers to affectionately lift a part of Cadence's hair up. "Listen. I know this has been an adjustment, and you're probably still not used to this place yet. But you can't stay locked up in your room. People have been trying to talk to you, but you won't open the door for anyone else."

"Why should I?" Cadence mumbles. The look on her face, although it doesn't leave, changes. She looks so sad that Jean wants to just pull her into a big hug and make everything okay. "All people do is hurt you. They want you to open the door so they can get inside you and fuck you up."

"Cadence―"

"Am I _wrong?!_" A book flies off the table that's sitting near a set of doors they've finally approached. Not only does it hit the ground, it thumps angrily against the wall before doing so. "I don't _want_ to let people do that to me, Jean. Everything inside me's already been fucked up, but people would find a way to wreck me more if I let them in. Why do you want me to _do that to myself again?_"

A long moment passes in complete silence, with only the energy buzzing in the air between the two telekinetics. Then Jean steps closer and sets her hands on Cadence's shoulders. "Cadence, I know this is scary. Letting people in isn't easy… and yes, it opens you up to being hurt." This time she lifts one hand to tuck a lock of the other woman's hair behind her ear. "But it also opens you up to being cared for. And you're going to get hurt anyway if you _don't_ let people in. If you don't let people in, you're not going to have people to talk to about your feelings. That's going to build and build and eat you from the inside out."

Her fingers tighten just a little.

"You know how you've made some progress with your powers? If you open up, even to just one more person, you're going to make more progress. Being vulnerable with someone isn't a bad thing. The more people you can trust, the more it's going to start weakening that link between your feelings and your powers. When your feelings become disconnected from your powers, guess what happens?" She pauses just long enough to make sure that Cadence is listening. "You can control your powers _and_ your emotions instead of either of them controlling you."

Cadence keeps her head down. Her face is contorted into an expression that ends with her biting down on her lip. "… What if I can't do it?" She shuts her eyes, and her chest flutters with a shaky breath. "What if I make a friend and then screw it up? What if I make a friend and it doesn't help? What if nobody even wants to be my friend? What if… what if…"

Jean gently tilts her student's head up so that their eyes will meet. "What if you _can_ do it? What if you make a friend and you're happy together, and it _does_ help? What if _everybody_ wants to be your friend?"

"Don't make fun of me," Cadence huffs.

"I'm not making fun. What I want you to do is to just try letting go of all the bad things you think might happen. Just give it a shot, one little shot, thinking about what could go right." This time she does pull Cadence into a hug, and the younger woman readily returns it. "You can do this, Cadence. I know you can. I'm not asking you to do this to be mean, and I don't expect you to be best friends with everyone, or anyone, right away. I want you to try and talk to someone, because I think it might be good for you. It's not like I'm going to leave you all alone. I'm going to be in there with you, just not sitting right next to you."

Cadence's arms wrap around her mentor's waist in an attempt to get as close as she possibly can. She hates that she can see the sense in what Jean's saying. This is something she doesn't want to do, but at the same time, she does want friends. She just wishes someone could wave a wand and she would have friends, _and_ be able to control her powers. Jean's right; this is terrifying. She doesn't know how anyone's going to react to her. Some teachers and other students seemed to simply ignore her while she was still taking classes.

It's depressing that in the five years she's been here, she's now twenty years old and has exactly the same amount of friends as she always has. It depressing that she's kept her walls up in their entirety to the point where she only really trusts two people here.

She takes a breath and practically clings to Jean. "I'm so scared, Jean." Those words are said in a whisper, as if any admission of what she's really feeling is weakness ready to be exploited. She can count on one hand the number of people she's willing to confess those feelings to.

"I know you are." Jean strokes Cadence's hair. As heartbreaking as this is, the fact that she has opened up to two people is something that she can build on. It's a foundation that can be used to help her learn to give her trust to others. It means that there's still _hope_ for her.

"I'm so scared all the time, of everything," she continues, and it's an effort to hold back the tears that push against her eyes begging for release. The pictures on the wall rattle. A cabinet opens and closes. "People looking at me and judging me and everything that can happen. _Anything_ can happen any time and you can't always stop it and I just ― I just want to feel like I'm _in control of something_ for once. I'm so tired of being scared and mad all the time."

"We all understand, Cadence. That kind of fear and anger… it's exhausting. You don't have to be afraid here, but I know saying that isn't just going to magically make things not scary." When Jean pulls away, her hands slide down Cadence's arms until she's holding both her hands. Once again, she looks right into her protege's eyes.

"You're safe here, to do whatever you want to do. Making friends and having relationships is something you can be in control of. We're starting small. All I want you to do is just try talking to someone. Just one person. You don't have to have a long conversation or talk to a bunch of people. And when you're ready to leave, we'll leave."

Cadence meets Jean's eyes and holds her gaze for a moment. After a few seconds, her eyes close; objects stop clattering. Although she still doesn't look happy, she no longer looks in danger of crying. "You promise? I say we go, and then we can go? After I talk to someone?"

Jean raises a hand as if she's taking a serious oath. "I promise. Just have a short conversation with someone, small talk if you want, and then as soon as you tell me you want to leave, we will. Do you think that's reasonable? Something you can do for me?"

A smile settles on Cadence's face that, despite being small, is very genuine. There's a little spark in them that speaks to how desperately she wants to start _living._ "For you," she says, "I'll do _anything._ You're my best friend. I'm scared, but I'll do it for you."

"And for yourself," Jean adds softly. Part of her thinks maybe it wasn't the best choice of words, and part of her knows that right now, one of the best ways to convince Cadence to do things is to ask her to do it for Jean. She's still young. Given time, she'll eventually learn her own worth. "This is going to help you. So do it for you, too, okay?"

The smile falters a little, and she looks unsure. Then she gives a small nod.

Jean offers a smile of her own, squeezing Cadence's hands. "Ready to go see who's in there to talk to?"

"… I think so." Cadence looks hesitant. She lets her hands slip from Jean's, and raises one toward the doors. They open slowly to reveal one of the common areas of the manor. The discipline she can exercise with her telekinesis when she's calmer is impressive to Jean ― like a switch flipping on and off as to whether she can control it.

As soon as Cadence walks inside, her emotions start to rise up inside her. The last time she entered one of these rooms was a while ago, specifically because of the fact that there are usually people hanging out in them. Some of the books on a nearby shelf quiver in reaction to her nervous energy.

This gets the attention of the room's sole occupant at the moment, a man who's sitting on the couch reading a Bible. He looks so different even from a lot of the other mutants Cadence has seen here that it takes her back a moment. Short, curly hair, dark navy blue skin, and a tail. There also seem to be symbols over his body as if a knife has carved them to create raised scars. His eyes are gold, flickering up toward the bookcase, then focusing on the two women. "Oh, good morning, Miss Grey! It's good to see you. How are things?"

Her heart thumps against her ribs at just the sight of him. She hates to judge people like this, because it's happened so much to her, but he looks like some kind of… demon. When she looks toward Jean, the other telekinetic is already strolling into the room, heading toward a chair to sit down. "Hey, Kurt. I'm doing good. How are you? Settling in okay?"

"Yes, more than okay. _Danke._" He looks at Cadence briefly, before glancing toward Jean again. "Another new arrival?"

"Not quite." Jean takes her seat, and silently gestures with her eyes for Cadence to sit down next to the other mutant. "She's been here for a few years now, but she doesn't come out of her room often. We're just trying to get her more comfortable talking to people. A good first step," she calls to her student, "might be to introduce yourself."

A gentle nudge in the right direction. Cadence's face contorts at the thought of having to follow some kind of manual for social interaction. There are so many rules, so many things that could go wrong. This guy seems pleasant enough, so far; still, what if he's not okay with essentially being a part of her makeshift social therapy?

At last, she walks over and lowers herself down onto the couch. The way this man carefully pulls his legs back over to ensure that she has enough room is something she doesn't know how to interpret. Is he just being considerate? Or is he upset at having her in his space? She keeps her eyes down for a moment, speaking stiffly. "I'm Cadence James."

"Ah, it's nice to meet you, Cadence." She wants to think she can read him easily. He seems awfully open. Why would anyone do that to themselves? Isn't he afraid of what other people might do with that vulnerability? Isn't he worried that people might mock such an exposed, friendly nature? Doesn't he have walls up to keep people from hurting him? If he doesn't, then how isn't he_ dead?_ "My name is Kurt Wagner. Although, when I traveled with the Munich circus, they called me 'The Incredible Nightcrawler'! It was―"

Cadence interrupts him with a snort. "Why? Isn't a nightcrawler, like… a worm? You look like a lot of things, but not a worm."

"Cadence," Jean speaks up. Her tone would almost be a warning if she weren't smiling too.

A strategically planned curtain of black hair hides Cadence's face rather quickly. "… Sorry. Was that rude?"

The Bible in Kurt's hands is shut in short order, then placed on the coffee table in front of them. "There are far ruder comments I have heard. I got that name because of my powers, not my appearance."

Cadence can still feel her heart hammering in her chest. Once she got past the initial introduction, though, this actually isn't so bad. Making conversation seems to keep her mind busy enough that the _what ifs_ have to take a backseat for a moment. "What… do you do?"

"Besides look like this? Oh, I teleport. One minute I am here, the next I am there… it comes in handy. There is… a burst of smoke when I do it, the same color as my skin, so… the people who took me in… got creative." He tilts his head, looking toward Jean, who seems very hands-off about the whole encounter, before settling his attention back on Cadence. "And you are a telekinetic, like Miss Grey?"

She nods. Her eyes dart toward Jean too, seeking approval. The fact that Jean hasn't simply put a stop to the conversation is encouraging. "Yeah. My code name is, uh... Demon. I picked it myself, when I was an edgy teenager, so... you know. It's kind of stuck by this point, though, so I don't wanna change it now. Anyway, Jean's been helping me a lot. I'm… still not great at controlling my powers. Even though they're nowhere near as strong as hers."

That look he gives her strikes her as full of pity. And she doesn't like pity, she doesn't like people feeling _sorry_ for her, because it means they're judging her, it means they think she's some weak little thing. The books rattle again, but it doesn't seem to dissuade Kurt too much. "We have all been there, I think. I am glad you have someone to guide you. You may find that the more you trust yourself and those around you ― well. These things become easier to control when you have faith."

"Mh," is all she can think to say for a moment. She looks toward Jean again; everything in her is buzzing, telling her to _go._ This is starting to get uncomfortable. She doesn't want to get too familiar or deep with someone she doesn't know. Her mind is trying to go a mile a minute to think of ways to escape the situation, or to find something else to say besides a grunt. Jean said small talk would be good. _What kinds of things are small talk?_ "… So, uh…"

Jean asked if he was settling in okay, when they first came in, didn't she? "… How long have you been here?"

"Me? Oh… a few weeks. Not long at all." The energy he gives off is… strange. The minimal telepathic abilities Cadence has tell her that he has not had a good life, and yet, not only does he freely talk about his past, he's so warm. Like he wants to be friends with her. It feels like even though he's humoring her in her efforts to be social, he also sincerely wants to talk to her. "And you? If it's okay to ask."

Her hands fidget with part of her hair. "Five years."

Cadence's weak telepathy is only enough to allow her a vague idea of how other people are feeling. People are complicated, and what she can feel from them is not. One thing at a time. Perhaps that's why she doesn't like people. Immediately she can feel that subtle wave of judgment from him, which puts her on the defensive again. Five years, five years and she rarely leaves her room. "Five years?" It rolls into pity again, and then… concern, followed by something gentle she's only ever felt from a handful of people. "_Meine Güte,_ you must know this place inside and out! Perhaps you could give me a tour."

The quick succession of emotions that she can only faintly feel is enough of a surprise that she forgets her anxiety for a moment. "Well… like Jean said… I don't get out of my room much. It, uh… you'd probably be better off with somebody else as a tour guide. I… pretty much just know the kitchen."

"Well," he continues without missing a beat, "that must mean you're a wonderful cook."

"Sure, I mean… if you like burnt popcorn, a warm can of Diet Coke, and a handful of dry cereal for dessert."

Kurt laughs, and it's such an honest sound that it catches her off guard. "It could be worse."

She manages to give him a small smile, and when she glances at Jean, the other woman looks quietly proud. This is probably going better than she thought it would. "So, um… where… where did you live before? Did one of your parents send you here, or…?"

"Parents? Ah…" A brief look of something painful flashes across his face. "I only knew my mother, and she has been gone for some time. Before this, I lived in an abandoned church. Miss Grey and Miss Munroe brought me here after I… caused a little trouble."

Cadence arches an eyebrow. This guy, causing trouble? What? "You couldn't cause trouble. You're, like… a fucking marshmallow."

That earns another chuckle, probably thanks to her phrasing. "It was a big misunderstanding, we can leave it at that for now. In any case, I have been living in that church for several years. Until I found that place, I was on the streets, and before that… in the circus."

The smallest pang of sympathy comes over Cadence's heart, and the books stop rattling on the shelf. "I'm… glad you're here now. This is probably the safest place in New York. Better than where I was before."

Kurt nods slowly, and almost as if he can sense that it would be a bad idea to ask where she was before, cautiously navigates the topic. "I will not pry about that, but if you ever find that you would like to talk to me about it, I am all ears." One of his hands reaches up, and he taps a finger against the pointed tip of his ear. It's then that she notices he seems to only have three fingers on each hand. "Not literally, of course. But a bit more than the average person."

It's her turn to laugh this time. Although she's still a little nervous, this isn't as bad as she thought. He's a decent person who isn't pushing her, and somewhere in the course of the conversation, her worries about him not actually wanting to talk to her faded away enough that she could focus on talking to him instead of to worrying. "Well, um… thanks. I'll… keep that in mind."

"Hey, Cadence." Jean gets up from her chair, heading toward her student. "I hate to cut this short, but how about we go get some lunch? Leave Kurt to finish his reading."

As nice as this was, that's probably a good idea. This is about easing her into it, right? There's always going to be time to talk to Kurt more later. "Oh, yeah… okay." She tucks some of her hair behind her ear as she gets to her feet. "Maybe tomorrow we could all have lunch together or something."

Jean smiles and gestures her head toward Kurt. "Maybe. Kurt, how about joining Cadence and I for lunch tomorrow?"

It's a lead by example, reminding her to talk _to_ him rather than just make comments. She nods and looks toward Kurt, though she wouldn't blame him for being busy.

"Oh, that sounds lovely. It would be my pleasure." He returns the smile, first to Jean, then to Cadence. "The beginning of a beautiful friendship, _ja?_"

Cadence tenses up a little, but as long as this guy isn't just pretending, having him as a friend might be… nice. "I… I don't know. Um, maybe."

"No pressure intended; we will just see how it goes. Just know that I would like to get to know you." With that, he picks up his Bible again. "You two have a wonderful rest of the day, and I will see you later!"

Jean moves to lead Cadence to the door, although she was starting to head there anyway. As soon as they're outside and the door is closed, Cadence lets out a deep breath she didn't even realize she was holding. Once she moved past the initial fear, that actually wasn't too draining. It would definitely be good to get to know somebody better, and Kurt is clearly a kind person.

Before she can even get another breath in, Jean's arms have encircled her and pulled her in tight. The other woman is sporting a bright, uninhibited grin that Cadence doesn't often see on her face. "Cadence, that was so great! I'm proud of you. That wasn't too much, was it? It seemed like you really enjoyed talking to him."

"Huh…" She hugs back, almost feeling on a high this time instead of terrified and angry. The realization that, after five years, she talked to someone and had a good time, is shocking. Nothing bad happened. He wasn't cruel to her. She didn't completely break down. The world didn't end. Everything was okay. She liked it.

"I… I guess I did."

* * *

The blue light reflecting off the TV screen almost blinds Kurt when he walks down to sit in the chair. Instead of blinding him, it illuminates, allowing him to see Cadence's form laid out over the sofa. Not only that, but curled up against her is what looks like a small child.

"Cady?" he speaks up softly, so as not to disturb either of them. "I thought you were not going to be back until tomorrow. Why are you down here so late? And who is this?"

She doesn't even look up toward him. Her whole frame is being held rigidly, and there was tears in her eyes that look as if she's trying not to let them spill over. It looks and feels like she's numb. "Kurt." It's barely a whisper. "Do you think I'm a bad person? I did something bad. That's why we're back early. Because I'm bad."

"… Bad?" He leans forward slightly, tilting his head. He knows she's not a saint, of course. Most people aren't. Even he isn't. He knows she still doesn't have her temper under control as much as she wants. He knows she's made mistakes and done some less than savory things. That doesn't mean she's… what is she talking about? "What do you mean, _mein Freund?_"

"This is Akira." She gestures toward the child who's sleeping against her, and her hand lifts to stroke over his hair. "I hurt his parents. And they told me to take him. They didn't want him. He's like us."

Kurt frowns, setting his eyes on the boy for a moment, then back toward Cadence's face. The child can't be more than five years old. Why would his parents just send him off with a stranger? Why did Cadence hurt them? What in the world happened? There are so many pieces missing here. "You hurt them?" is what he decides to start with.

Her face hardens. "They were hurting him. So I thought it was only fair. All I could see was red, and I… I shouldn't have done it."

Now he can somewhat understand why she thinks she's bad. Definitely, people can't be running around playing judge, jury, and executioner. At the same time, it's very obvious that she regrets whatever she did. "Oh, Cady_._ Did you…"

"Kill them?" The way she says it with ice in her voice spells out that she _knows_ he was trying to find a delicate way to ask that. "No. But I wanted to. It's so bad… I'm so bad. I thought I was doing better. Jean is going to be so disappointed. Ororo is probably telling her all about it right now…"

Silence blankets the space between them for a moment. Finally, Kurt gets up and walks over, gingerly pushing her legs back a bit so that he can more easily sit next to her. He reaches over to put a hand on top of hers, resting on Akira's little head. "She might be disappointed. But this kind of thing is not a straight line, _mein Freund._ There will be setbacks no matter how good you think you were doing. You cannot beat yourself up."

"But I can beat someone else up, apparently," she mumbles, a bitter tone creeping into her voice.

"Ah, well… you know that was wrong." He has to smile at her wording, though. Something about the way she's constantly making jokes and sarcastic comments is endearing ― though he knows at the end of the day it's more of a coping mechanism than trying to make people smile. "You know it was wrong, and you are sorry about it. _Ja?_"

"Of course. I'm not an idiot." Her hand shakes a little to get his off, then she strokes down Akira's hair again. "It was stupid of me to do, and I don't… I don't know why I couldn't stop myself. I wish I hadn't done it."

A nod is what he gives her at first. After a moment, he fishes his rosary from one pocket and catches her hand to hold between his, so that the beads are pressing firmly into her fingers. "Here. Perhaps it would make you feel better if we said a prayer for forgiveness together. Would you join me?"

Her eyes flicker away from the rosary, and it's something he notices. "I don't know. You know I'm not the most religious person."

"You still do have some faith in God, don't you?"

If she were able to, he gets the feeling that she might shrug. "I haven't… you know, been excommunicated or anything."

He lets out a soft chuckle. If that's her way of saying she still believes, he'll take it. "So, praying to God for forgiveness is a start to penance. It might make you feel a little better to talk to Him. To feel closer to Him and be reminded that He still loves you, and to know you have told Him that you have sinned and are sorry."

What she offers next is a sigh. Although he knows that faith is nowhere near as important to her as it is to him, he also knows that doing this with him will probably ease her mind, at least a bit. Right now, as much as it's about being close to God, it's more to her about being close to a friend and being reassured that he's here for her and always will be. "… Fine, I guess."

"This is not a long prayer, so, I will take it one sentence at a time, and you just repeat after me. I will be saying the prayer for you, but where I say 'she' or 'her', you will say 'I' or 'me' and so on. _Gut?_"

"Yeah, okay."

He nods and bows his head. He notices that when he does, Cadence does slightly, her forehead laying against the top of Akira's head. "O Lord, Jesus Christ, Redeemer and Savior, forgive her sins, just as You forgave Peter's denial and those who crucified You."

"O Lord, Jesus Christ, Redeemer and Savior, forgive my sins, just as You forgave Peter's denial and those who crucified You." Her speech is halting, hesitant, and Kurt can tell it's been a while since his friend has prayed. (Or, at least, since she has prayed out loud.)

Regardless, he presses on. Practice makes perfect. "Count not her transgressions, but rather her tears of repentance."

"Count not my transgressions, but rather my tears of repentance."

"Remember not her iniquities, but more especially her sorrow for the offenses she has committed against You."

"Remember not my iniquities, but more especially my sorrow for the offenses I have committed against You."

"She longs to be true to Your Word, and pray that You will love her and come to make Your dwelling place within her."

"I long to be true to Your Word, and pray that You will love me and come to make Your dwelling place within me."

"She promises to give You praise and glory in love and in service all the days of her life."

"I promise to give You praise and glory in love and in service all the days of my life."

Kurt gives Cadence's hand on last squeeze before he moves his hands away, and the rosary with them. "Amen."

"Amen," she finishes. The tears finally drip down her face. "T… thanks, Kurt."

"It is no problem, Cady." Still holding his rosary in one hand, he uses the other to run his fingers through her hair like she's been doing to Akira's. He knows the feeling of being so unhappy with oneself and one's life. It's not something he would wish on anyone, especially his friend. Even though he's confident that she'll eventually bounce back from this, it's going to have her down for a while. "I am your friend and I care about you. I'm going to sit here with you for a little while. Okay?"

She nods quietly, and closes her eyes so she can focus on the feeling of his hand.

When she came in and laid down here, she wanted to be alone.

She's glad she isn't.

* * *

The world is ending.

Or has it ended already?

Which way is up and which is down? Left? Right? Forward? Back?

The people who took her in are _gone._

How does she even begin to live without them? Without Jean? The Professor?

The two people who taught her how to survive without letting her fear and anger control her have vanished as if they never even existed.

Cadence doesn't know how she's still breathing or how she's still alive without them.

Losing one of them was bad enough.

Gaining her back was a miracle that didn't feel quite right.

Losing one of them to the other left her world in tatters.

Knowing that the other asked to be killed to ensure everyone else's safety was impossible to swallow.

Losing her again was something Cadence thinks she'll never come back from.

Losing one of them was bad enough.

Losing one of them twice was cruel.

Losing them both for good feels like a death sentence.

The world has ended, but life is still going on, and this is _not fair._

Even though she's only a fraction as powerful as Jean was, Cadence knows that if she allows herself to fully mourn inside the manor, she's going to hurt everybody. That's why she's here, in the woods, alone. Why she didn't tell anyone where she was going.

After lowering herself into a nearby stream, she sits silently for what feels like an eternity.

When she makes a sound at last, it's the torturous scream of someone who thinks she will never feel whole again.

Two of the only people who treated her kindly are dead. They are never coming back, and how is she supposed to live without the first people who ever told her she was worth something?

Her fists splash in the water as limbs are ripped off the surrounding trees. Leaves whirl around her. Branches are tossed onto the ground so hard they stick in the dirt. Huge rocks from the stream slam into a tree trunk with enough force to cleave the bark away. The water sloshes over the stream's banks and mixes with the dirt to make mud.

And she yells at the sky. "It should have been me! Why did they have to die?! Jean and the Professor were a million times better _THAN I'LL EVER BE! WHY?! WHY DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?! __HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE __**IN A GOD WHO WOULD LET THIS HAPPEN?!**_"

The bark peels away from the tree that was already attacked. More branches snap off more trees. Pebbles from the water shoot up only to bury themselves in the ground. She's so wrapped up inside her anger that she doesn't realize she's manipulated the water to wrap around herself, and it's climbing its way dangerously up to her neck.

Before it reaches her mouth, there's suddenly a rustle that wasn't created by her, followed by a shout: "_CADY!_"

Even among the chaos, here is her friend come to find her because he saw that she was missing. Though clearly afraid, Kurt braves everything anyway, running toward her. "Stop! Cadence, please stop! Look what you're doing! You're going to hurt yourse_―__AAH!_"

A handful of the pebbles from the river interrupt him by pelting his face all at once. Despite the pain, all he gives is a small hiss as he covers the cut they made with one hand. His friend needs help. He can't just leave her here.

What he got was a little scrape; if he can't get her powers to stop, she's going to kill herself in her grief.

"Go away, Kurt!" The water keeps going, spiraling up around her throat. "I'm bad for everyone! Nobody's around to control me anymore! You're not safe! Just _LEAVE ME ALONE!_"

"No! I can't and I won't! You are my friend, my best friend! I am not going to go back to let you suffer alone!" Panic fills him up as he realizes he has no idea what to do other than talk to her. How is he supposed to get her to stop? If she doesn't calm her powers, that water's going to envelop around her face and drown her. In desperation, all he can think to do is reach his hands out into the water, frantically trying to pull it down as if it's a scarf.

Predictably, it doesn't work. A small branch smacks against the back of Kurt's head, but thankfully it isn't hard enough to do any damage. At most, it just stings a bit, and it doesn't deter him. Cadence, on the other hand, continues to punch her hands into the ground, which has become nothing but mud. "You don't get it! Nobody gets it! Without them, I'm nothing! Without them, I can't _do this!_ They took me in and now they're gone and they shouldn't be!"

She hunches over, and in that moment, she looks to Kurt like an angry, scared little girl who's lost her parents and can no longer make sense of the world around her. "You said God works in mysterious ways! That there's a reason for everything!" A rock smashes into a tree with such force that the tree splits apart. "_What reason could He have for THIS?!_"

"Cadence…!" As if he thinks it might make a difference, he grabs her hands and holds them in his. The water is creeping up on her, over her chin by this point. If something doesn't change in the next minute, they're all going to lose her, too. "We can't possibly begin to know why He allowed this to happen! We just have to trust Him! And if you cannot trust Him, then I understand! This is… this is painful… and it doesn't make sense… and it's going to hurt for a long time…"

He takes a chance, and throws his arms around her. This has to work. It just has to. "But you are not alone! We are all hurting just as much, and sometimes… sometimes all you can do is to hurt with people who are feeling the same thing. To know you are not alone, that there are still people who love you. And we have lost them, _you_ have lost them, but… you still have me. You still have the rest of us. You don't have to deal with this on your own!"

All she gives him in response are shaky breaths. His arms tighten around her, urging her to listen to him, to talk to him. "We have been friends for almost five years now. You were brave enough to let me in. Please… _please_ ― be brave enough to not shut me out…"

In an instant, everything stops moving around them. Not even the sounds of nature remain. Only the noise made by the two of them breathing heavily is present. The water around Cadence doesn't move for a moment, and then all at once, it comes crashing down from around her, back to the ground.

As it does, she lets out a raw sob that seems like she has to exert enormous effort to rip it from her chest. It's as though Kurt can feel the anger draining from her, replaced by a mix of the same despair she's been feeling and a tired relief coming from the revelation that someone is here for her. She cries like he's never seen her cry before, her face pressing into his shoulder. Her muscles tremble with the strength she's using to hold onto him. Understanding that she still has people to cling to, that even with a great loss she's not by herself in the world, is overwhelming.

She's so used to being abandoned that the expectation of being alone is still inside her bones after nearly ten years.

"It hurts so much," she wails between gasps for air. "I miss them so much… I don't know how I'm going to do this… they didn't deserve it… I don't know how to keep going…"

His heart breaks for his friend as he holds her in his arms. Everyone is sorrowed and tired, but with someone as close to them and as emotional as Cadence, of course it's going to hit her hard. They all anticipated it. It was just that nobody knew something like _this_ would happen.

"I know it hurts. It does. And we all miss them… I know you were so close to Miss Grey and the Professor… this is a tragedy." He sinks down to sit with her, planning to be here as long as she needs. "It is okay that you don't know how to keep going. That is what I am for… and Logan, and Miss Munroe, and Kitty, and Bobby… and everyone else. We are all here for each other. We take it one day at a time, just like we always have. We find the strength in each other and inside ourselves."

A string of sniffles come from her as she tries to catch her breath. "… I don't have any strength _left_ inside me…"

"Like I said," he murmurs, "that is what I am here for."

She wants to say, _"What would I do without you?"_ What stops her is that she's said that to Jean before, and now this. She doesn't want to jinx this, because she doesn't want to find out what she would do without one more person she loves.

Instead, what comes out is a strangled, tearful, "_Thank you,_ Kurt."

* * *

It's been almost six months.

The wounds still feel fresh, but the maelstrom of emotions that raged inside Cadence has died down simply because it had to. She works a weekend job that means she needs to be in control of her powers, and during the week, she has to have some kind of meal at least once a day.

This grief has had her in its grip for what feels like so long and yet no time at all. The times when Jean or the Professor would give her a hug or offer advice seem simultaneously like yesterday and a hundred years ago. She misses them with her entire heart and she always will.

Maybe, though, she's healed enough to try involving herself in the manor's goings-on once more. It's not like she can spend most of the day in her room forever.

She can hear Jean in her mind, encouraging her to go out and talk to people just like she did before. _"You can do this, Cadence. I know you can."_

Jean always believed in her more than anyone. Even though she might have gotten tough on Cadence sometimes, she made it clear that she knew Cadence was capable of great things. Any challenge she faced, Jean was there telling her she could get through it.

When she opens the door, when she walks down the stairs, when she's trying to decide where to go, she can feel Jean cheering her on. She's going to live her life to make her teacher proud.

"_D__ä__mon!_ Is that you?" Before she can choose exactly where she wants to go, a familiar voice meets her ears. An arm is immediately around her shoulders, a touch she leans into.

She musters up as much of a smile as she can. "Hey, Kurt. How are things?"

He smiles back, clearly very happy to see her. "_Gut, gut._ Are you doing okay? Going to get some lunch?"

"Well… we could do that. Actually…" She shrugs. "I just kind of… thought it was time I rejoined the world of the living. You know? Figured I should get out a little."

"Oh ― it's going to be great to have you out here again, Cadence." His tail flicks a bit as the wheels in his head turn. "There are many new arrivals I don't think you have met! We can start slow, though. Maybe we will visit Akira after lunch?"

"Yeah, maybe." She starts walking, prompting Kurt to follow her. "It really has been too long."

He moves his arm away from her and puts both hands in his pockets. "It has. But I'm so glad to see you in more than just passing. You… are my best friend, and I've missed you."

For the first time in several months, she feels a small spark of hope in her heart."… Right back at you."

Even though things are going to be different, maybe things are going to be okay.


End file.
